I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
