Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
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He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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