Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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