I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
