goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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