"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
