You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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