I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
