Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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