So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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