toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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