Your dad touched me again.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
