Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
