I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I smell stomach acid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
