Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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