She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
