Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
