there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
