I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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