Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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