Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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