using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
