i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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