oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
