You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
