Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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