And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
