Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
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