I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
