Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
