Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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