ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
How's your threesome situation going?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.