So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
