sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
