please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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