The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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