The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.