At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now