he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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