I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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