I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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