I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
