do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
