I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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