Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
