I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something