he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.