Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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