and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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