hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
