It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
