you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
