Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
