i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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