Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
